Dodgeball! for Dummies
by PaperDragonfly
Summary: A series of AU high school oneshots that involve Naruto and Kiba... these are meant to be humorous and have no plot! [no pairings, except NejiTen in the beginning]
1. Dodgeball! for Dummies

**Dodgeball! for Dummies**

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto; if it did, then I'd probably be swimming in a pool of cash right now, not sitting alone at my computer, reading _fan fiction_... ...Actually I probably would be; if you were an author, wouldn't you like to read what people wrote about your stories??

Warning: crackfic and sheer stupidity ahead. Flames are expected but not appreciated.

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"Good morning, my youthful students!" shouted Maito Gai as he gave his infamous 'nice guy' pose. Lee, the senior who was his student aide, copied his position with an even more blinding smile.

The class of sophomores shuddered as one at their two spandex-clad instructors. _They're so weird…_ thought Gaara, twitching. _Why did I take PE again?_

"Today we're playing the ever-youthful sport of DODGEBALL!" continued Gai.

"YOSH!" Lee shouted, jumping up and down.

The class sweatdropped. After an awkward pause, Kiba and Naruto high-fived each other. "Yeah!" yelled Kiba. "I LOVE dodge ball!"

"Okay, my students of youth! You know how to play! Get on your teams and have a great time!"

The class sullenly divided into the predetermined groups: Sakura, Ino, Sasuke, Gaara, Neji, Tenten, Shino, and Sai against Naruto, Kiba, Haku, Hinata, Temari, Chouji, Shikamaru, and Kankuro.

"This is troublesome." muttered Shikamaru as the two teams faced off.

Lee blew his whistle. "Go! Go!" he yelled. "Show your youth through this noble sport!"

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" yelled Naruto and Kiba as they charged forward. They were the only ones who bothered to try: Sai was busy flirting with anyone who looked sideways at him, Shikamaru was napping, Ino and Sakura were busy molesting Sasuke-kun, Hinata was hiding next to Temari, who was trying to flirt with a snoring Shikamaru, Haku was doing his hair, Chouji was trying to see if a dodge ball was edible, Shino was talking to a bug, and Neji was making out with Tenten in the corner. Kankuro had gone off to the locker room, presumably to play with his dolls.

Gaara found himself standing alone, facing the hyperactive wrath of Kiba and Naruto. "Eeep!" he squeaked, right before he was knocked unconscious by two well-placed throws to his head.

Sakura and Ino were the next targets. Kiba and Naruto got as close as they could and bonked the two girls over the head, causing them to let go of Sasuke.

"NAAARRUUUUTOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" screamed Sakura, chasing the blonde and repeatedly hitting him over the head.

Sasuke gasped for air and tried to get up from where he had fallen on the floor. _I'm free!_ he thought joyfully, before Naruto, who had finally knocked Sakura out, tripped over his prone body and fell on top of him. "Help!" cried the Uchiha weakly, unable to move.

"Ooof." grunted Naruto as he pushed him self up. "Sorry about that, Sasuke-teme."

"No problem." gasped Sasuke sarcastically. (A/N: Is it even possible to gasp sarcastically?)

"You're on the other team, aren't you?" asked Naruto.

Sasuke nodded weakly.

"Okay." The blonde boy suddenly procured a dodge ball and pegged Sasuke in the head. "You're out!" he yelled cheerfully to the unconscious Sasuke.

Chouji, who finally realized that dodge balls weren't edible, threw his at Shikamaru. It hit him on the chest, causing him to choke and wake up from a dream where he was sleeping.

"You're out Shikamaru!" yelled the chubby brunette, before Kiba pegged him in the head and knocked him out.

"Oops." said Kiba sheepishly. "He was on my team."

"…Troublesome." grunted the lazyass as he shuffled over to the wall and went to sleep again.

Naruto snickered as he crept up behind Sai, who was (unsuccessfully) flirting with Hinata and Temari. He drew his arm back, aimed, and…

"AAAAAAAAAUUUUGGGHHHH!!!" yelled Sai in pain. "MY PENIS!!!"

Naruto was laughed as he threw another ball that hit Sai in the head, finally knocking him out.

Meanwhile, Kiba was sneaking up on an oblivious Shino, still chatting animatedly with a cockroach. He managed to get within throwing distance before the bug-boy noticed him. Shino looked up to receive a dodge ball in the face. He was knocked out almost immediately, much to the concern of his cockroach friends.

The gym was now littered with the bodies of unconscious sophomores, but Neji and Tenten were still oblivious in their little lovers' corner. Naruto and Kiba caught each others' eyes from across the room. Kiba pointed to the pair, and Naruto nodded, grinning evilly. They snuck up to the couple and suddenly… WHAM! Naruto had thrown his dodge ball at Neji and Kiba had aimed at Tenten, causing their heads to knock together and immediate unconsciousness.

"YES!" yelled Naruto. "WE WIN!"

He and Kiba immediately scampered off to celebrate (A/N: how the celebrated… I don't want to know) leaving Hinata and Temari twitching in the corner where they had taken refuge from the massacre.

"Ah, such youthfulness…" sighed an oblivious Gai-sensei to his equally clueless aide.

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A/N: Reading this over, my only thought is… wtf? That's probably what you're thinking right now too… and my answer is: I have no idea what this is. That's the danger in me getting bored.


	2. Driver's Ed! for Dummies

**Driver's Ed! for Dummies**

Disclaimer: Naruto is not mine… I'm sorry for ruining all your hopes and dreams, but (sighs) it's the truth.

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"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" yelled Kiba in terror as the car swerved wildly again.

Naruto corrected the car's position and scratched the back of his head sheepishly. "Sorry, got distracted." he said apologetically.

"Just keep both hand on the wheel… AAAAAAAAHHH!" The car jolted to the side, front wheel running over the curb. Kiba lunged forward to grab the steering wheel out of Naruto's hands.

"What's your problem?" asked Naruto as the brunette wildly tried to take control of the car.

"You CAN'T DRIVE, IDIOT!" he yelled into Naruto's ear, practically deafening him. The car changed direction wildly as the two fought for control.

"Calm down, boys." said Kakashi-sensei distractedly, still engrossed in his violently orange book. Even though the station wagon was rocking forcefully back and forth, he did nothing to control the actions of the two boys.

"YES I CAN!" replied the blonde, equally loud. He viciously elbowed Kiba in the face, thereby regaining power over the vehicle.

"Owww…" moaned Kiba, clutching a bleeding lip. He plopped back into his seat, resigned to a premature death. _How did I get into this situation again?_ he wondered, trying to staunch the blood.

Kiba's Flashback:

_Having woken up rather late, he had needed to run all the way to Konoha High, his school, where the driving lessons were being held. He arrived just as the students were filing into the empty classroom that served as the driver's ed headquarters._

_"Hey Kiba!" called his blonde friend from the back of the room._

_Kiba walked over to him, grinning._

_"I can't wait for the test!" yelled Naruto, jumping up and down in his seat._

_"Erm, Naruto… how many energy drinks have you had today?" questioned the brunette as he watched his extremely hyper friend's antics._

_"Only about…" the boy counted on his fingers. 'Three. That's it."_

_Kiba rolled his eyes as he took a seat next to Naruto. /God help us./_

_"All right guys! Excited for your test? Remember, if you pass, you get your driver's license!" The head instructor was a purple-haired woman who reminded Kiba a lot of Naruto - they had the same spunky personality. "You guys are taking the test in pairs." Anko-sensei continued. "I've already assigned them -here there was a collective groan from those assembled- along with your teachers. First up is Akimichi Chouji with Hyuuga Hinata; you guys are with Asuma-sensei. Haruno Sakura and Nara Shikamaru, you're with Kurenai-sensei. Yamanaka Ino and Momochi Haku, you guys are with Ebisu-sensei. And finally, Naruto and Kiba, Kakashi-sensei's taking care of you."_

_"YES!" yelled Naruto, jumping up happily. "Kakashi-sensei just sits and reads porn the whole time! We can get away with _anything_!" He gave Kiba a high five._

_The groups walked to their respective cars. Naruto hopped in the driver's seat, making racecar noises and turning the steering wheel wildly. Kakashi-sensei tossed him the keys and climbed into the passenger's seat, immediately getting out his infamous orange book. Kiba, gulping nervously, climbed into the back._

His flashback ended as Naruto pulled into another wild turn that would make a NASCAR driver envious. "Where the HELL are you going, you maniac?!" he asked wildly as he was slammed into the side door.

"I don't know," replied Naruto absently, a look of utter concentration on his face as he gripped the steering wheel tightly.

"Then why the HELL are you driving so fast?!"

The blonde shrugged. "It's fun… I'm pretending to be a racecar driver."

_Lord, help us._ prayed Kiba fervently. He looked over to the passenger's seat, and the mop of unruly white hair showing over the headrest. "Kakashi-sensei!" he pleaded. "Stop the madness!"

Kakashi's only reply was to mumble, "He seems to be doing fine to me." The teacher's nose was still buried in his book, and the boy shuddered to think of what was keeping him so engrossed.

Suddenly, Naruto stopped the car for the first time (he had run all the previous red lights). He seemed to forget about driving and waved wildly to the car next to them. Kiba craned his neck and saw two of Konoha High's most popular kids: Hyuuga Neji and Uchiha Sasuke. "Hi guys!" called the blonde, rolling open the window so they could chat. "I'm taking my driver's license exam today! What're you guys doing?"

Their only response was to look at him, Sasuke with disdain and Neji with amusement. Finally, Sasuke, sitting in the passenger's seat, rolled down the window slightly and gave Naruto the 'one-finger salute'.

"NOT cool!" yelled Naruto as he gunned the engine. The drivers who had been honking at both cars blocking the street shouted curses at him as he suddenly raced forward. Neji sped up similarly, so the two cars were matching in speed. "RACE!" yelled Naruto as he pushed the poor Volkswagen even faster.

Sasuke smirked as their car, a dark blue Mustang, matched it for speed. "Dobe." he said to Naruto.

"Whoever gets to Ichiraku's first wins!" yelled the 'dobe', oblivious to Sasuke's comment. The two cars raced forward, oblivious to red lights, stop signs, and little old ladies crossing the street. Kiba could only cling to his armrest and pray.

_Five Tortured, Insanely Fast Minutes Later_

"YES!" yelled Naruto. "Almost there!" He glanced behind him at the rapidly gaining vehicle, and then turned back to pay attention to his driving. _I need to concentrate now_… he thought absently.

Kiba had long since been reduced to a mound of quivering, mentally scarred jelly. He whimpered like a puppy at the occasional jolts and jerky movements of the car, but dared not do anything except clutch the armrest and squeeze his eyes shut.

"THERE IT IS!" yelled Naruto, pointing and waving at the cheerful looking ramen shop. This proved to be his undoing, as, in his excitement, both of his hands left the steering wheel.

"NARUTO!" screamed Kiba, having just opened his eyes to see the blonde waving his arms in the air and the steering wheel unattended. "PUT YOUR HANDS ON THE STEERING WHEEL!" He lunged forward to grab it just as Naruto whammed his arm down. The blonde's fist connected to Kiba's head with a 'thud', immediately rendering the Inuzuka unconscious.

Naruto didn't even notice his comatose friend crumpled on the car floor. He had realized that, in all his celebration, he had sped past Ichiraku's and effectively lost the race. "Nooooooooooooo!" he wailed, gnashing his teeth and ripping at his hair. This, of course, led to both his hands once again leaving the steering wheel, and this time, there was no Kiba to save them.

The car swerved violently, causing Kakashi, who had been giggling in his perverted-ness, to lose his grip on the orange porn which promptly flew out the window.

"MY POOOORN!" screamed Kakashi, diving out the window after his obsession.

Naruto didn't spare Kakashi a glance, as he was too absorbed trying to regain control of the car. He desperately turned the steering wheel from side to side, but it only caused the Volkswagen to fishtail wildly and end up smashed into a tree.

"Oops." said Naruto sheepishly as he and a miraculously revived Kiba watched the crumpled car smolder.

Kiba said nothing, still traumatized.

"Oh well. Let's go get some ramen!" Naruto began skipping cheerfully.

The brunette sweatdropped at his friend's antics. _I will make sure he _never_ gets an energy drink again_, Kiba swore to himself as he shakily followed the blonde.

_At Ichiraku's_

"Hi guys!" Naruto waved at Neji and Sasuke and went over to sit with them, dragging Kiba behind him.

"Uzumaki. Inuzuka." The Hyuuga nodded at the pair, scooting over to create some space.

Sasuke just smirked. "Dobe. You lost."

"AAAARRGH! YOU TEME! I'LL KILL YOU!" Naruto went wild, chasing Sasuke out of the shop and down the street.

Kiba just looked at Neji, and they both sweatdropped. "I don't think it was his destiny to get a driver's license just yet." commented the pale-eyed boy, interestedly watching Naruto beat Sasuke up.

"Thank _God_." Kiba replied fervently.

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Did you notice my writing style changed about three or four times during this story? I wrote it over a period of… a week, more or less. I don't think it's quite as spontaneous or funny as the previous ficcie, but… what can you do? Anyway, read and review… _please._

Oyasumi-nasai!


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